It starts with a tiny spec of doubt. Should I have gone through that yellow light? Does that look on his face mean he thinks I'm weird? What if I don't graduate? What if that mistake I made at work gets me fired? What would happen if I didn't care so much? Can you really see a difference in my body or are people just being nice? If tomorrow doesn't come, what do I have to show for my life?
I was in Wal-Mart yesterday. I wasn't going to buy anything. Ive lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my clothes are starting to get pretty baggy so I just wanted to see if I could squeeze into a size smaller than I did last time. I picked out the pants I wanted to try on, walked into the dressing room and easily slipped the size smaller pants over my thighs and butt, buttoned and zipped with no problem and you know what I did? I scoffed at myself thinking, "Yeah, yeah... You fit into those pants, yippee for you, but that's not going to stop people from noticing that ginormous butt you still have and those thunder thighs...don't even get me started on those things." - Wow. What a cruel thing to say. And I said it to myself. There was no happiness that I actually fit into smaller pants, not even a passing smile...immediately, my head went to the worst place it could go and it threw a party for all of my doubts.
From the shallow and trivial to the deep and troubling...that's all you need... Just that first little drop of gasoline to creep into your mind and it spreads like wildfire. It eats and eats and eats at you. You KNOW what you're doing to yourself is way worse than anything anyone else could do but somehow you can't stop.
This is exactly what its like to be in my head when I'm feeling insecure.
No, its not fun for me and I don't get anything out of it other than feeling really crappy about my otherwise pretty great life, which begs the question....why do I do this to myself?
This insecurity of mine...this constant self-deprecation of mine needs to stop. Easier said than done though, right?
The lesson in all of this, for me, at least, is that we all need to be a little more kind to ourselves. Half the things we say about ourselves to ourselves wouldn't even occur to our friends and family. They are in our lives because they choose to be...they see the good in us. The good we often fall short of seeing for ourselves.
On this eve of my 5 month weight loss - aversary....I've made a new goal for myself. I'm treating my body well, and its time for my mind and soul to follow.
So think about that the next time you find yourself being cruel....to yourself. Would you ever allow someone else to treat you in that way? I wouldn't.
It starts with you.
P.S. Happy Almost Turkey Day, loves! Count your blessings and then count them again.
