On December 20th, in 12 days, I'll be at my 6 month mark. I've lost 80 lbs and just measured myself at a friend's house this weekend and my waist is at....drumroll please....24 inches. I swear. I have a witness.
What is that ideal measurement again? 36-24-36? Yeah...well that's just not going to happen for me on all three but hey...One is fine with me.
I have big boobs and a big butt (although that same friend that watched me measure my waist this weekend says that my boobs and butt have deflated a bit...not entirely sure that's a good thing but....) and I will always have big boobs and a big butt, no matter how much weight I lose and I'm starting to get to the point to where I THINK I'm okay with that.
However.
I have had a crisis of confidence here lately.
Now, for those of you who know me on a more personal basis...This is not a shock. And try not to laugh but having recently taken my psychology final, I think I may have diagnosed myself with body dysmorphia. (Ok, fine, laugh if you must) I see the numbers on the scale and the measuring tape and I take account of how I feel vs. How I felt 6 months ago but when I look at my progress pictures, I don't see a difference.
Additionally, I've recently started to come around more to the idea of dating again. Again, if you know me on more personal level, you are aware that I have a pretty hectic school and work schedule and even when I do have free time, I usually spend it hanging out with my friends or watching Netflix with my dog. So, even allowing myself to think about dating again is a big step for me, as I rarely step out of my comfort zone.
This year has been all about me challenging myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally, scholastically....and so far, I have to say, I haven't done terribly. ...I've surprised myself.
But although I've surrounded myself with good people and gotten rid of the ones that pull me down, aced my finals, lost 80 lbs, and been healthier and happier than ever before.... I'm still not satisfied.
I find myself wanting things to happen faster and have more of a profound affect. I want my life to mean something.
I want to really matter...I LONG to really matter.
I'm working on my body confidence a little every day and I know it's going to take me a long time to get to where I want to be but having these opportunities to express how I'm feeling and be smothered with constant support makes me realize every single day just how blessed I am.
So, to you guys.....your refusal to let me minimize my progress and smiles and hugs when I'm feeling down about myself mean so much to me.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and that you are all reminded every day just how much you are loved and blessed.
Until Next Year! :)
