I pick myself up, I dust myself off, I start all over again?

Somehow, 5 months have passed without a blog. Not sure how that happened. Wait. Yes, I am.

I got distracted. In a major way.

Ever have so much to say, you find it difficult to formulate a single sentence?

That has been the case for me especially during this last week. Some revelations have occurred to me within a very short period of time and I'm struggling to slow my thoughts down enough to make some sense of it.

I've always liked to think of myself as a wise woman. It's been said to me over and over again...wise beyond your years...too smart for your own good etc. etc. And I took pride in that. If I couldn't be pretty, I wanted to be smart. If I couldn't be thin, I wanted to be eloquent. Somewhere along the way, that became all I had to offer the world...or so I thought.

Turns out...I make EPICLY stupid mistakes. Allow myself to get caught up in a life I want vs. The life I need. Turns out "wise beyond her years" must have taken a break for the last 5 months because I've spent that time being extremely unwise.

I figure I'm due, though.

I've spent the majority of my twenties (although they're not over yet for a few years - thank goodness) working my butt off and not taking any time to stop and think about what I wanted out of life.

I finally got a bug up my butt, went after something I wanted and got slapped in the face with every single branch of the stupid tree on the way down.

Am I mad I tried? Nope. Is my pride hurt? Eh. A little. But I'm actually super happy I took a stab at it. It sent my world into a messy tailspin and left me questioning everything...and I'm grateful. Because now, whatever path I choose, I KNOW will be because I REALLY and TRULY want it with every fiber of my being.

Turns out I actually can't do everything, no matter how hard I try. And boy, do I try. I try so hard sometimes, I lose myself.  And that's something I don't want to experience again.

Turns out, I can't carry the world on my shoulders and expect to make it out alive.
Turns out...I'm only human, after all...much to my ego's dismay.

So while I sit here licking my wounds and wondering how I let myself get so twisted up, I have this voice in my head reminding me that perfection is not a goal anyone can achieve. And it's okay to fall flat on your face sometimes...as long as you can pick yourself up...

Dust yourself off...

And start all over again.

It's not so bad, I promise.

525,949 Minutes

I woke up this morning and looked at my calendar.

June 23, 2015 has been marked in red with a big smiley face on it for 365 days.

I did it.
I made it an entire year dedicated to improving myself and health in any way possible.

126 lbs later. And I'm not done yet.

It seems surreal to look back on where I was a year ago today. The person I was then...she seems so far removed from me now.

Words can't describe how happy I am to be on the other side of that day, 365 days ago.

That day was a monumental day for me. I had been thinking about getting healthy for a month or so. But up until that point, I hadn't actually pulled the proverbial trigger. I made a decision that June 23, 2014 was going to be the new start to my life.

Was it easy? HEEEEEECKKKK NOOOOO. There were many times when I cried and yelled and got so mad at myself for letting myself get so far away from where I wanted to be, that I nearly gave up more times than I can count.

I remember walking into Complete Nutrition to purchase my first protein shake powder and having the guy immediately lead me over to the weight loss section was HUMILIATING and that moment still sticks in my head.

I said to myself, "If you never want to feel this way again, if you never want to worry about walking into a nutrition place or a gym or Whole Foods without getting those weird looks silently wondering if you took a wrong turn on your way to Whataburger, you'll change. And youll do it for life."

Those little promises that I made to myself, those lumps in my throat and punches to the gut that I got when the fit girl behind the counter at my gym asked if I had ever considered Weight Watchers (I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that I'm fat but thanks for hinting at it in your sugary sweet tone, Jane Fonda) were reminders that I would never have to feel that way again if I just stuck with it.

For anyone embarking on any journey...not just a weight loss journey, let me tell you something.

It gets better. I promise you. It does.

So many people scoff at those who are heavier casting judgement upon them immediately without even giving them a second thought.

That, my loves, will never change.

I don't care how small I get, there will always be assholes in the world who will call me fat.

Some of them in the form of friends who are "just kidding".

I know it's hard but ignore them. Their words cut like a knife but you are stronger than that.

If there's anything this past year has taught me, it's this:

1. Yes. There ARE always going to be jerks who purposely go out of their way to say something nasty, but you don't have to take their words as truth.

2. On the flip side of that, there are some TRULY amazing people in this world. Those are the people who will pick you up when you feel like you can't go own, wipe your tears when you've had a rough day and kick you in the butt when you're feeling sorry for yourself. To those people, I say I am SO blessed to have you in my life. And thank you. Sincerely. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

3. And this is a really important one. You. You are enough. Hear me? You are strong enough to withstand ANY obstacles that come your way. Kicking butt and taking names along the way will be it's own sweet reward when you finally reach the point of loving yourself, flaws and all.

The moral of the story is this.  Is making a lifestyle change one of the hardest things I've ever done? 1000% yes.

Were there times when I just wanted to give up? More times than I can count.

Is it worth it? Oh.my.gosh.yes.

Do it for the guys at complete nutrition who point you towards the weight loss section without even letting you tell them what you're there for first.

Do it for the Weight Watchers suggestions from the front desk girl at the gym who obviously thinks you came to the gym to eat donuts instead of working out.

But most importantly, do it for you. In spite of the obstacles and assholes.
You deserve health and happiness above all else. You deserve to look in the mirror and actually like what you see. Does everything magically change overnight? No.

But if you really want it. Whatever it is. Dedication day in and day out will get you there.

This past year has been one heck of a bumpy ride. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I look forward to the year ahead with more challenges and more triumphs.

As cheesy as it sounds, it really is true.

You only get this one life. Make it count.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Getting out of my own way...

Tomorrow marks 11 months on my weight loss journey.
11 whole months. Life gets so busy that I rarely stop to think anymore about how long I've been doing this.
This living my life thing.
Because that's what it is.
The thought hadn't occurred to me when I was sitting at home watching Netflix chomping down on my very own large pepperoni pizza that I had stopped living. And maybe I had never actually started. When I turned 26, something changed in my head permanently.
I wasn't happy with where my life was going and it was time to steer it in the right direction.
I'll be turning 27 on Sunday and what do I have to say for myself?
Well, I decided what I wanted to do for my career and charged at it head-on. I didn't make excuses like not having enough money or time anymore, even though that had always been my go-to excuse.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself and my situation because, guess what....I. me. Myself. Got me in that place in the first place.
I decided to get healthy. Yes, since I'm being totally honest it was ABSOLUTELY  because I wanted to fit into tight pants and not bust the inseam. But along the way, I realized that more than anything, I like being healthy. I love knowing that I'm taking care of myself from the inside out.
Lastly, I decided to start living my life. Doing what I want to do. Seeing people I wanted to see. Going where I wanted to go. These were all concepts that I thought I simply COULD NOT do 11 months ago....and I was dead wrong.
Turning 27 makes me proud. Makes me feel like I've accomplished something and I couldn't be prouder of the life I'm living and the future I'm carving out for myself.

Big Booty Judy

Dear Big Booty Judy (a.k.a. my backside)

You were a pain in the ass. Too big to fit into certain chairs at restaurants; I once had to ask my whole group to move somewhere else because I couldn't get you to fit.
I brushed it off and joked about you while out to dinner, about not being able to fit into a certain section while my friends stared confused and momentarily saddened until I shrugged it off and blamed you, Judy. We all laughed, I died a little inside, we moved on. Big Booty Judy, You made it impossible for me to squeeze into an airplane seat for last summer's almost trip to Chicago. I didn't get to see Patch Adams because of you. You're such a selfish ass. And peeing in small bathroom stalls? (In my best Barbara Streisand voice) Forget about it! I had to take the arms off of my office chair because you're so needy that a regular size one wasn't going to cut it. And let's not forget about all the times we had to give furniture the eye. Up and down. Side to side. Sizing it up to make sure you would fit. I had to call out to friends, "You swear Judy won't break that? Don't make me buy you a new one if it happens! I asked and warned you!" And then you became so abusive. Do you know how many times I've caught you knocking little kids over? Or nearly crushing little dogs? Sheesh! Contain yourself! I tried restraining you, I tried strapping you down with Spanx to teach you a lesson but it didn't seem to get through to you that things needed to change.

Goodbye, Big Booty Judy. May I never have to deal with your crap again.

Sticks & Stones

Wow. The last few weeks have me reeling. I'm almost in my 9th month of living a healthy lifestyle. This is not news. People around me have had enough time by now to acclimate. So I can't understand why now....after this has been the norm for almost a year, that I'm receiving the most resistance.

I never lose sight of my support system. Without yall, things would be really hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm stubborn as crap, so I'd keep doing it even if I didn't have as much support as I do, just for the sake of being hard-headed. But I feel a responsibility to keep blogging about real life struggles because not every day is rainbows and flowers...and I have to say, the "haters" have been coming out of the woodwork left and right lately. 

People that I thought were my friends have definitely shown their true colors and I do have to admit, that smarts a bit. I don't...and never did....expect people to blow sunshine up my butt for the rest of my life when I started this but I did expect a little common decency, even if they didn't agree with my choices.

Anyway, this month's blog is going to be short and to the point.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Don't go out of your way to ruin someone's day. Chances are, your opinion doesn't show up as even a blip on their radar and you're only doing yourself a disservice by taking the time out of your day to make someone else feel bad.

I appreciate all of your support more than you know. And the fact that you don't go out of your way to make someone feel badly about their life makes you incredible human beings in my eyes.

That old adage about sticks and stones is half-true...because words do hurt. No matter the amount of armor you're wearing.

Eye Candy vs. Soul Food

It has been 8 months since I started. 8. Months. This is one of the longest commitments I've ever made and I don't see an end in sight. Me and Healthy are on a first name basis now...8 months ago, Healthy wasn't returning my phone calls....my, how things have changed.
One of the best apps in the world, Timehop, keeps me advised of where things stood in my life 1 year, 2 years, 3 years etc ago, and I must say, I don't recognize the girl I was anymore. And although I see a physical difference  (finally!) and my sarcasm has not changed one iota, that's not what I mean. I look at my past status posts and I think, "Wow...I was so sad and I didn't even realize it." It's pretty amazing to see that transformation. I find myself looking into people's eyes now when they're talking to me..I find myself making eye contact with someone as I pass them in the hallway and not immediately feeling ashamed of how my physical presence must make them feel. You read that right....how my physical presence must make THEM feel, not me. I don't know when I stopped respecting myself or why. But I do know one thing. I will never, yes I'm saying never, lose respect for myself again.
A couple of years ago, I knew this boy. At the time, I thought I really cared about him....boy, was I wrong, but I  remember when I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt, he said, "I have too much respect for you to see you that way." Which, of course, I now know was a big fat sign for me to go running to the nearest exit, but at the time I remember wilfully trying to make myself less respectable so that he would see me the way I wanted him to. *record scratch* Whaaaaaaat? The person I am today would tell him where to go, how to get there and that he needed to come up with better rejection lines but, never ever would I change myself for anyone...male, female or otherwise to like me. Not now. Not after having to scratch and claw my way back to loving myself....just as I am.
Now, I know this is something we all kind of roll our eyes at. Loving yourself....self-love....blah, blah, blah. But it's soooo annoyingly true. If you don't love yourself, respect yourself, or treat yourself well....no one else will. It's so funny, because lately I keep having these moments, in the middle of a conversation after making a stupid joke, or after crashing and burning on a test that I killed myself studying for, or after giving someone a compliment....moments where I think to myself, I really like this version  of me. I think it's the real me. The Amie that hung her head and barely smiled and was writing dumb Facebook status posts for attention because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her.....that Amie is gone....kicked her butt to the curb. Maybe it's conceited to think so, but I'm pretty awesome. Faults and all. I want to be my friend. I want to hang out with me. I've finally, finally, finally rounded the corner to loving myself, respecting myself, and treating myself well. Of course, I still have moments, but I'm so proud of myself. Despite the 100+ pounds loss, I feel the physical weight was NOTHING and lowest on my priority list to the emotional baggage I've finally left behind.
So, my point is....if my life is happier now, if I'm having more fun and enjoying myself than I ever have in my life....it's because I stopped caring so much about being eye candy  and started caring more about being soul food.
You guys have been and still are my rock and I am so extremely, ridiculously  blessed beyond words to have the life I have with you amazing humans that choose to come along for the ride. Pushing me to believe in myself and refusing to listen to any of my excuses....A million thank yous wouldn't be enough. Pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.. I freaking love you guys!!!

My Tinsel is in a Tangle.

As always,  the holiday season seems to go by both excruciatingly slow and insanely fast.

With finals finished, a nice 6 week long break from school stretched out in front of me promising me endless hours of Netflix binging and Christmas decorating, I was a happy girl.
Until. Life happened.

I love Christmas.  It's my favorite time of year, everything feels so much cozier and nicer and the sharp edges of life have been covered and dulled by a cute Rudolph tree skirt. This time of year brings out the best in people and although we're all thoroughly exhausted of hearing "I'll be home for Christmas" for the 30 thousandth time (I mean, really how many more people can sing that song and make it into their own "version"), we joyfully turn the volume up and sing along while fighting the holiday shoppers in the mall parking lot.

But, this year was a little less joyful than my past Christmases, I must admit.  Not because I'm not still crazy blessed with my amazing friends and family,  but because,  and I know how dumb this sounds,  I had to watch everyone indulging in their favorites. 

For Thanksgiving,  I had a grilled chicken salad. Last year, I started AND ended the day in sweatpants knowing I was going to be stuffing myself to the gills and there's nothing worse than the threat of your buttons popping off on that nice new sweater you bought simply because you didn't know how to say no to that third piece of pecan pie. For Christmas, instead of making my Aunt Linda's unbelievably delicious sorority potatoes and hogging the whole casserole dish to myself,  I had.....wait for it....A grilled chicken salad!

I managed to escape the cookies and pies that seemed to be staring me down over the last four weeks and never once did I cheat or break my resolve,  but I'd be lying if I told you that this particular battle wasn't the worst yet. Luckily,  I had 6 months under my belt, pun intended,  by the time Christmas rolled around and my healthy habits were firmly in place but even then, and I'm not proud of myself for this, I seriously contemplated stealing a 2 year old's piece of chocolate away from him while his mother wasn't looking.

All of this opened my eyes even further to the hold food has on me. And as I've mentioned before,  it wasn't just that I wanted the sorority potatoes and chocolate because they're delicious and artery clogging,  but also that I wanted to join in with my friends and family and be merry while chugging down egg nog and shoving bowls of warm gooey goodness down my throat. Not being able to eat and drink the same things as them made me feel like an outcast, like I didn't really belong.

I don't care what any health magazine or 2% body fat celebrity trainer says, carbs equal happiness. Nothing will ever make me feel better than having pizza and beer after a long shift at the hospital or drinking wine and eating popcorn while watching the new episode of Scandal. 
It's just satisfying as hell to give into my addiction and it sucks BIG TIME to have to fight it all the time.

Now, I'm not saying this is something that happens on a daily basis for me. But in the society we live in, especially during the holidays where almost everyone is breaking their diets,  it was a month-long test of exactly how strong my will power is. And thank goodness it ended after a month, because I'm not sure I could have gone on much longer.

In other news, I finally bought some new dress pants! My old ones had been worn for about three years straight and were so baggy on me that I looked like I was wearing parachute pants, and, just a side note here,  when I told my friends, family and coworkers that I was going to buy some new pants, every single one of them responded with an exasperated and resounding "Thank God!" - so apparently they were about as sick of seeing me in them as I was in wearing them. 

My new pants are about 5 inches too short for me because the store I bought them from didn't have tall, only regular. 
So I look like I'm wearing capris in the middle of winter but hey, I didn't want to wait the additional 10 to 15 days it would take for my 6 sizes smaller, length appropriate pants to come in simply because I'm about a foot taller than the rest of the big hipped, big butted, women in Corpus.

Oh. And did I mention that my new pants are 6 sizes smaller??? :) Forgive me for that shameless vanity plug, but I'm pretty proud of myself.

Alas, real life has begun again. School is starting again next week, I'm the lightest and smallest I've been since I was 18 and since it's now the entire world's annual time to jump on the "New Year, New Me" bandwagon for the next 6 weeks or so, the only thing that's staring me in the face at every corner is endless spam emails for 10 bucks off of my gym membership and free samples of kale at Sprouts so....things are looking up. 88 pounds down so far and with my free kale, 100 is just around the corner.

Until next time! ♡