Help! I'm Still Fat!

On December 20th, in 12 days, I'll be at my 6 month mark. I've lost 80 lbs and just measured myself at a friend's house this weekend and my waist is at....drumroll please....24 inches. I swear. I have a witness. 
What is that ideal measurement again?  36-24-36? Yeah...well that's just not going to happen for me on all three but hey...One is fine with me.
I have big boobs and a big butt (although that same friend that watched me measure my waist this weekend says that my boobs and butt have deflated a bit...not entirely sure that's a good thing but....) and I will always have big boobs and a big butt, no matter how much weight I lose and I'm starting to get to the point to where I THINK I'm okay with that.
However.
I have had a crisis of confidence here lately.
Now, for those of you who know me on a more personal basis...This is not a shock. And try not to laugh but having recently taken my psychology final, I think I may have diagnosed myself with body dysmorphia. (Ok, fine, laugh if you must) I see the numbers on the scale and the measuring tape and I take account of how I feel vs. How I felt 6 months ago but when I look at my progress pictures,  I don't see a difference. 
Additionally, I've recently started to come around more to the idea of dating again. Again, if you know me on more personal level, you are aware that I have a pretty hectic school and work schedule and even when I do have free time,  I usually spend it hanging out with my friends or watching Netflix with my dog. So, even allowing myself to think about dating again is a big step for me, as I rarely step out of my comfort zone.
This year has been all about me challenging myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally,  scholastically....and so far,  I have to say, I haven't done terribly. ...I've surprised myself.
But although I've surrounded myself with good people and gotten rid of the ones that pull me down, aced my finals, lost 80 lbs,  and been healthier and happier than ever before.... I'm still not satisfied.
I find myself wanting things to happen faster and have more of a profound affect. I want my life to mean something. 
I want to really matter...I LONG to really matter.
I'm working on my body confidence a little every day and I know it's going to take me a long time to get to where I want to be but having these opportunities to express how I'm feeling and be smothered with constant support makes me realize every single day just how blessed I am.
So, to you guys.....your refusal to let me minimize my progress and smiles and hugs when I'm feeling down about myself mean so much to me.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas and that you are all reminded every day just how much you are loved and blessed.
Until Next Year! :)

Wildfire

It starts with a tiny spec of doubt. Should I have gone through that yellow light? Does that look on his face mean he thinks I'm weird? What if I don't graduate? What if that mistake I made at work gets me fired? What would happen if I didn't care so much? Can you really see a difference in my body or are people just being nice? If tomorrow doesn't come, what do I have to show for my life?

I was in Wal-Mart yesterday. I wasn't going to buy anything. Ive lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my clothes are starting to get pretty baggy so I just wanted to see if I could squeeze into a size smaller than I did last time. I picked out the pants I wanted to try on, walked into the dressing room and easily slipped the size smaller pants over my thighs and butt, buttoned and zipped with no problem and you know what I did? I scoffed at myself thinking, "Yeah, yeah... You fit into those pants, yippee for you, but that's not going to stop people from noticing that ginormous butt you still have and those thunder thighs...don't even get me started on those things." - Wow. What a cruel thing to say. And I said it to myself. There was no happiness that I actually fit into smaller pants, not even a passing smile...immediately, my head went to the worst place it could go and it threw a party for all of my doubts.

From the shallow and trivial to the deep and troubling...that's all you need... Just that first little drop of gasoline to creep into your mind and it spreads like wildfire. It eats and eats and eats at you. You KNOW what you're doing to yourself is way worse than anything anyone else could do but somehow you can't stop.

This is exactly what its like to be in my head when I'm feeling insecure.

No, its not fun for me and I don't get anything out of it other than feeling really crappy about my otherwise pretty great life, which begs the question....why do I do this to myself?

This insecurity of mine...this constant self-deprecation of mine needs to stop. Easier said than done though, right?

The lesson in all of this, for me, at least, is that we all need to be a little more kind to ourselves. Half the things we say about ourselves to ourselves wouldn't even occur to our friends and family. They are in our lives because they choose to be...they see the good in us. The good we often fall short of seeing for ourselves.

On this eve of my 5 month weight loss - aversary....I've made a new goal for myself. I'm treating my body well, and its time for my mind and soul to follow.

So think about that the next time you find yourself being cruel....to yourself. Would you ever allow someone else to treat you in that way? I wouldn't.

It starts with you.

P.S. Happy Almost Turkey Day, loves! Count your blessings and then count them again.

Be Still.

For as long as I can remember,  I've been deeply concerned with making sure I matter to people. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I have always had this deep need to be needed. To know I matter. To be loved.

Because of this innate need, I'm always moving.  Looking ahead at my future and constantly picking it apart. Trying to plan and prepare myself for any sort of trip - up there may be. 

....I am not a dumb person. I know it's crazy to think I have control over what happens in my life, and I drive myself crazy with all the what - ifs and the constant questioning of every decision I make. I am repeatedly told that I'm working too much, doing too much,  am too hard on myself....that if I keep going at the pace I am, I'm going to put myself in an early grave. But I do it anyway.

Why?

If I were to die tomorrow,  my deepest regret would not be that I didn't become the doctor I want to be. No. I doubt that would even cross my mind.

My deepest regret would be not allowing myself the time to just be.
I've been running around from job to job since I graduated high school, working my butt off, turning down invitations to friends weddings and the birth of their babies, not seeing my family, who I miss so much, for years at a time....and for what? What was it all for?

I am 26 years old and my heart aches at the life I have lived until now. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I am not sharing this with you to make you feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite.  I am so grateful that I woke up...finally....and perhaps in time to turn things around. Life is such a precious gift and I'd very much like to get started with mine.

These posts are supposed to be chronicling my weight loss journey but as I've said before - this is so much more than a physical journey for me. It's making me take a look and examine myself deeper than I ever have before and that scared girl I've been for so long is swiftly becoming a vague memory.

I want to make time for the people I care about.  And I will. And this time, I mean it. I am going to take care of myself from now on...and by that I don't just mean my body. My heart and soul have taken quite a beating and the kicker is, it has been by my own fists.

As much as I regret this, I look ahead to the future with high hopes for myself.

17 weeks behind me, 65 pounds lighter and a new found hope and zest for life... I can't wait to be the best me I can be. 

So I won't wait anymore.

Until next time...

Before & Afters

I've always loved seeing before and after photos especially before I started this journey. It was the motivation I needed to get going and keep going....but I didn't take a picture of myself when I first started and I'm kicking myself now. Smh. So 31 days ago, I decided to take a full length before picture...mind you this was 80 days into my weight loss and I had already lost 50 lbs. And I told myself,  to keep going, you need to find a way to motivate yourself by YOUR OWN progress not somebody elses. Now, don't get me wrong I am NO WHERE near showing my body off in a bikini, nor do I think I'll post a picture of it when I do get to that point...it's just not my style, but as an ode to my continued work,  I posted the pictures below as my first set of before and after photos.  It's only a difference of 31 days and 12 pounds but I want to see my body change and I'm hoping against all hope that there's actually something there to see.
Before picture is the purple shirt. After picture is the red shirt.
Be nice.
I'm fragile. :)
Until next time....

Confessions...

90 Day Blog.

Total Weight Loss: 51 pounds.

So, I have a confession to make. Those times I said I was too busy or couldn't get off of work to hang out with you? I lied. I just felt too ashamed of my own body to let you see me.

I've always allowed the world to see the tough Amie. The one who doesn't take any crap from anyone and lets things roll off of her shoulders in front of other people. But guess what? Deep down,  I'm actually pretty sensitive.  I know, I know...shocker!

When I was about 17, this friend of mine shamelessly hit on every single one of my friends. Finally,  one day, I got tired of being the third party fielding all of his advances & I asked him why he couldn't find other girls outside of my friends to hit on. He simply said, "Because you have beautiful friends."

And he was right. I do. Every one of them is gorgeous and smart and strong and everything I ever wanted to be as a woman,  myself.  I must've had a look on my face as I thought about his response & what came out of his mouth next has always stayed with me.

"One thing I've come to learn about girls is they hang around with their own kind. You don't know it but you're beautiful, too. Everyone around you sees it except you."

In my typical fashion, as soon as those perfect words came out of his mouth,  I just as quickly refuted them.

"No. That's definitely not it. I'm the fat friend. I'm the one y'all plan escape routes around. Lol."

I knew what my role was and I was okay with playing my part.  After all, someone had to do it, right? Looking back, I realize that I've always had this really annoying personality trait. I feel the need to say the worst thing I can think of about myself out loud before anyone else can beat me to the punch. Its just how I survived. And do it with a smile on my face so I don't make them uncomfortable.  Isn't that ironic?  I'm rushing to cut myself down to pieces and I'm worried about other people being made to feel bad? Ha!

So today,  I practiced. A coworker and I were talking and she said:

"You look so pretty today."

My response?  *shove down the typical self-deprecating, funny comeback & take a deep breath*
"Uh, thanks you, " I fumble over these foreign words, "I mean, thank you."

Wow. Who knew two simple words would be so hard to say?

About 90 days ago, it finally hit me. I don't want to work so hard at insulting myself before anyone has the chance to anymore.  It's actually really exhausting trying to think of new and funny ways to do it. Up until this point,  I've allowed myself to be seen as something less than I actually am because I was afraid of trying and falling flat on on my face. Now, I'd gladly fall over and over just to be able to say I did it. I overcame.

To finalize this confession,  I'd just like to say- to all of those I avoided and lied to along the way, I am so deeply sorry. Please know how much you mean to me. It was always my problem with myself and never with you. And if I may, I'd like to ask for another chance to make it up to you.

I love you all.

To the next 90!

Moose Antlers

Current Weight Loss: 44 lbs & counting.

Time: 11 weeks in. 75 days.

Struggle: They say half the battle is mind over matter. I'm calling B.S. on that one - it's at LEAST 90% of the battle.

Current Pet Peeve: Having 85 lb girls ask if they can "squeeze through" in a tight space. I so badly want to retort, "Well, you can try but I'm not sure you'll make it to the other side."

I find it extremely ironic to say that I avoided the scale my ENTIRE adult life, and now I'm having to have conversations with myself so that I don't weigh myself every hour of every day... I have officially become number-obsessed.

I see this post on Facebook, Pinterest & Instagram every time I search for "weight loss" & it sticks in my head:

"It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice & 12 weeks for the rest of the world."

Turns out - this is pretty accurate. I have had more compliments within the last 2 weeks than I have in my entire journey thus far. I love it! But, at the same time it's almost as if I'm afraid to believe it.

I have weekly weigh-ins - Sunday mornings are typically the only mornings when I can have a little "me time" before rushing out the door. So, it has become a ritual. Wake up. Pee. Weigh.
Then, I'll update my progress on my weight loss app, mark out how many pounds I have to go before I reach my goal weight (Let's just say, it's a lot) on the weight chart on the back of my door, move stones over from my "Pounds to Go" jar to my "Pounds Lost" jar & text my Dad my progress so he can help keep me accountable (he's against sugar coating, which I like). Anal Amie strikes again. And even though I know I should be happy, I find little to no joy in doing any of these things because I constantly remind myself that I'm not there yet. I have not reached my goal.

This is my current struggle. I haven't really taken the time to examine why I do this to myself but I do know the advice I would offer to someone,  other than myself, going through this: BE PROUD OF YOURSELF! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? You have accomplished something amazing and every day that you continue on, is a day you can be proud of...right?

So why do I still feel like it's not enough? Perhaps it's the Type A personality in me that refuses to celebrate until the job is done. I've always been that way - if I start a project, I won't stop until it's done. Like, literally won't eat or sleep or even pee until I'm finished.  I know how foolish that is but that's how I am. I want to finish the work before I can let myself relax.

In closing,  I've sort of half-assed my congratulations to myself for every milestone I reach. Write some sort of Facebook post letting everyone know how I'm doing and how "proud" I am of myself - but I'm pretty muted in the whole inner feelings of pride thing. This is something I'm working on.

P.S. I looked up what weighs 44 lbs and coincidentally Moose Antlers came up. I think I'll celebrate - isn't hunting season just around the corner? :) Until Next time....

The Popcorn Lady

Start Weight: More than any person should ever weigh.

Current Weight: 25 lbs down from Start Weight & 12 inches total lost. As my weight loss app likes to remind me, I've lost a toddler.

Goal Weight: Somewhere between,  "Oh my gosh,  you look fantastic!" & "Sports Illustrated called, they're wondering if you're free for the next Swimsuit Edition." (Alright. I didn't say they were realistic goals - but a girl can dream.)

What finally made me decide to get healthy: Sadly, there was no light bulb moment for me - it was more that I didn't like the way I looked and felt. Also,  I have this personal pet peeve that I can't seem to get past that seemed to be happening to me more and more: When someone tells me I have a beautiful face and then lets their gaze drop down to my waist line.  I call that a complisult. A compliment and an insult scooped out of the "YOU'RE HUGE!" bowl with a cherry on top. *Mmmmm....cherries.*

The Challenges: The second week of my lifestyle change was a tricky one.  Up until that time, I had managed to stay away from people eating in front of me and having to smell and lust after their food. So, because I am a genius, I decided to go to the movies and make it super hard on myself. The. Movies. Where 99.9% of the food choices are off limits to me. So, like the good little dieter I am, I packed myself cucumbers and celery and some string cheese to munch on. What I didn't plan on, however, was a woman sitting directly in front of me with the BIGGEST tub of buttered popcorn fresh from the kettle. The thoughts I was thinking in my head as I watched this woman enjoying her delicious,  fresh, hot, dripping in butter popcorn as I resentfully shoved a celery stick in my mouth would make a hardened criminal look at me in shock. Fortunately, for popcorn lady, I do have a good bit of self control and will power but I was very thankful that just in case those two failed, I also had a good friend sitting next to me to stop me from diving in head first into the bucket of popcorn and eating my way out.

Where I am now:
I am currently 8 weeks in. 53 days to be exact. I have lost 25 lbs and 12 inches thus far and I am feeling great. I thrive off of the constant motivation my friends, family & coworkers supply me with and I am a firm believer that if you have the right support system behind you, you can do anything you set your mind to. This initial weight loss and my continued healthy habits have allowed me to renew my confidence in myself, not just physically,  but also to get out there and try new things. As cliché as it sounds,  my hunger for bad food has now been transitioned over to a renewed hunger for life.