It has been 8 months since I started. 8. Months. This is one of the longest commitments I've ever made and I don't see an end in sight. Me and Healthy are on a first name basis now...8 months ago, Healthy wasn't returning my phone calls....my, how things have changed.
One of the best apps in the world, Timehop, keeps me advised of where things stood in my life 1 year, 2 years, 3 years etc ago, and I must say, I don't recognize the girl I was anymore. And although I see a physical difference (finally!) and my sarcasm has not changed one iota, that's not what I mean. I look at my past status posts and I think, "Wow...I was so sad and I didn't even realize it." It's pretty amazing to see that transformation. I find myself looking into people's eyes now when they're talking to me..I find myself making eye contact with someone as I pass them in the hallway and not immediately feeling ashamed of how my physical presence must make them feel. You read that right....how my physical presence must make THEM feel, not me. I don't know when I stopped respecting myself or why. But I do know one thing. I will never, yes I'm saying never, lose respect for myself again.
A couple of years ago, I knew this boy. At the time, I thought I really cared about him....boy, was I wrong, but I remember when I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt, he said, "I have too much respect for you to see you that way." Which, of course, I now know was a big fat sign for me to go running to the nearest exit, but at the time I remember wilfully trying to make myself less respectable so that he would see me the way I wanted him to. *record scratch* Whaaaaaaat? The person I am today would tell him where to go, how to get there and that he needed to come up with better rejection lines but, never ever would I change myself for anyone...male, female or otherwise to like me. Not now. Not after having to scratch and claw my way back to loving myself....just as I am.
Now, I know this is something we all kind of roll our eyes at. Loving yourself....self-love....blah, blah, blah. But it's soooo annoyingly true. If you don't love yourself, respect yourself, or treat yourself well....no one else will. It's so funny, because lately I keep having these moments, in the middle of a conversation after making a stupid joke, or after crashing and burning on a test that I killed myself studying for, or after giving someone a compliment....moments where I think to myself, I really like this version of me. I think it's the real me. The Amie that hung her head and barely smiled and was writing dumb Facebook status posts for attention because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her.....that Amie is gone....kicked her butt to the curb. Maybe it's conceited to think so, but I'm pretty awesome. Faults and all. I want to be my friend. I want to hang out with me. I've finally, finally, finally rounded the corner to loving myself, respecting myself, and treating myself well. Of course, I still have moments, but I'm so proud of myself. Despite the 100+ pounds loss, I feel the physical weight was NOTHING and lowest on my priority list to the emotional baggage I've finally left behind.
So, my point is....if my life is happier now, if I'm having more fun and enjoying myself than I ever have in my life....it's because I stopped caring so much about being eye candy and started caring more about being soul food.
You guys have been and still are my rock and I am so extremely, ridiculously blessed beyond words to have the life I have with you amazing humans that choose to come along for the ride. Pushing me to believe in myself and refusing to listen to any of my excuses....A million thank yous wouldn't be enough. Pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.. I freaking love you guys!!!
