Be Still.

For as long as I can remember,  I've been deeply concerned with making sure I matter to people. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I have always had this deep need to be needed. To know I matter. To be loved.

Because of this innate need, I'm always moving.  Looking ahead at my future and constantly picking it apart. Trying to plan and prepare myself for any sort of trip - up there may be. 

....I am not a dumb person. I know it's crazy to think I have control over what happens in my life, and I drive myself crazy with all the what - ifs and the constant questioning of every decision I make. I am repeatedly told that I'm working too much, doing too much,  am too hard on myself....that if I keep going at the pace I am, I'm going to put myself in an early grave. But I do it anyway.

Why?

If I were to die tomorrow,  my deepest regret would not be that I didn't become the doctor I want to be. No. I doubt that would even cross my mind.

My deepest regret would be not allowing myself the time to just be.
I've been running around from job to job since I graduated high school, working my butt off, turning down invitations to friends weddings and the birth of their babies, not seeing my family, who I miss so much, for years at a time....and for what? What was it all for?

I am 26 years old and my heart aches at the life I have lived until now. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I am not sharing this with you to make you feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite.  I am so grateful that I woke up...finally....and perhaps in time to turn things around. Life is such a precious gift and I'd very much like to get started with mine.

These posts are supposed to be chronicling my weight loss journey but as I've said before - this is so much more than a physical journey for me. It's making me take a look and examine myself deeper than I ever have before and that scared girl I've been for so long is swiftly becoming a vague memory.

I want to make time for the people I care about.  And I will. And this time, I mean it. I am going to take care of myself from now on...and by that I don't just mean my body. My heart and soul have taken quite a beating and the kicker is, it has been by my own fists.

As much as I regret this, I look ahead to the future with high hopes for myself.

17 weeks behind me, 65 pounds lighter and a new found hope and zest for life... I can't wait to be the best me I can be. 

So I won't wait anymore.

Until next time...

Before & Afters

I've always loved seeing before and after photos especially before I started this journey. It was the motivation I needed to get going and keep going....but I didn't take a picture of myself when I first started and I'm kicking myself now. Smh. So 31 days ago, I decided to take a full length before picture...mind you this was 80 days into my weight loss and I had already lost 50 lbs. And I told myself,  to keep going, you need to find a way to motivate yourself by YOUR OWN progress not somebody elses. Now, don't get me wrong I am NO WHERE near showing my body off in a bikini, nor do I think I'll post a picture of it when I do get to that point...it's just not my style, but as an ode to my continued work,  I posted the pictures below as my first set of before and after photos.  It's only a difference of 31 days and 12 pounds but I want to see my body change and I'm hoping against all hope that there's actually something there to see.
Before picture is the purple shirt. After picture is the red shirt.
Be nice.
I'm fragile. :)
Until next time....