Confessions...

90 Day Blog.

Total Weight Loss: 51 pounds.

So, I have a confession to make. Those times I said I was too busy or couldn't get off of work to hang out with you? I lied. I just felt too ashamed of my own body to let you see me.

I've always allowed the world to see the tough Amie. The one who doesn't take any crap from anyone and lets things roll off of her shoulders in front of other people. But guess what? Deep down,  I'm actually pretty sensitive.  I know, I know...shocker!

When I was about 17, this friend of mine shamelessly hit on every single one of my friends. Finally,  one day, I got tired of being the third party fielding all of his advances & I asked him why he couldn't find other girls outside of my friends to hit on. He simply said, "Because you have beautiful friends."

And he was right. I do. Every one of them is gorgeous and smart and strong and everything I ever wanted to be as a woman,  myself.  I must've had a look on my face as I thought about his response & what came out of his mouth next has always stayed with me.

"One thing I've come to learn about girls is they hang around with their own kind. You don't know it but you're beautiful, too. Everyone around you sees it except you."

In my typical fashion, as soon as those perfect words came out of his mouth,  I just as quickly refuted them.

"No. That's definitely not it. I'm the fat friend. I'm the one y'all plan escape routes around. Lol."

I knew what my role was and I was okay with playing my part.  After all, someone had to do it, right? Looking back, I realize that I've always had this really annoying personality trait. I feel the need to say the worst thing I can think of about myself out loud before anyone else can beat me to the punch. Its just how I survived. And do it with a smile on my face so I don't make them uncomfortable.  Isn't that ironic?  I'm rushing to cut myself down to pieces and I'm worried about other people being made to feel bad? Ha!

So today,  I practiced. A coworker and I were talking and she said:

"You look so pretty today."

My response?  *shove down the typical self-deprecating, funny comeback & take a deep breath*
"Uh, thanks you, " I fumble over these foreign words, "I mean, thank you."

Wow. Who knew two simple words would be so hard to say?

About 90 days ago, it finally hit me. I don't want to work so hard at insulting myself before anyone has the chance to anymore.  It's actually really exhausting trying to think of new and funny ways to do it. Up until this point,  I've allowed myself to be seen as something less than I actually am because I was afraid of trying and falling flat on on my face. Now, I'd gladly fall over and over just to be able to say I did it. I overcame.

To finalize this confession,  I'd just like to say- to all of those I avoided and lied to along the way, I am so deeply sorry. Please know how much you mean to me. It was always my problem with myself and never with you. And if I may, I'd like to ask for another chance to make it up to you.

I love you all.

To the next 90!

Moose Antlers

Current Weight Loss: 44 lbs & counting.

Time: 11 weeks in. 75 days.

Struggle: They say half the battle is mind over matter. I'm calling B.S. on that one - it's at LEAST 90% of the battle.

Current Pet Peeve: Having 85 lb girls ask if they can "squeeze through" in a tight space. I so badly want to retort, "Well, you can try but I'm not sure you'll make it to the other side."

I find it extremely ironic to say that I avoided the scale my ENTIRE adult life, and now I'm having to have conversations with myself so that I don't weigh myself every hour of every day... I have officially become number-obsessed.

I see this post on Facebook, Pinterest & Instagram every time I search for "weight loss" & it sticks in my head:

"It takes 4 weeks for you to notice your body changing, 8 weeks for your friends to notice & 12 weeks for the rest of the world."

Turns out - this is pretty accurate. I have had more compliments within the last 2 weeks than I have in my entire journey thus far. I love it! But, at the same time it's almost as if I'm afraid to believe it.

I have weekly weigh-ins - Sunday mornings are typically the only mornings when I can have a little "me time" before rushing out the door. So, it has become a ritual. Wake up. Pee. Weigh.
Then, I'll update my progress on my weight loss app, mark out how many pounds I have to go before I reach my goal weight (Let's just say, it's a lot) on the weight chart on the back of my door, move stones over from my "Pounds to Go" jar to my "Pounds Lost" jar & text my Dad my progress so he can help keep me accountable (he's against sugar coating, which I like). Anal Amie strikes again. And even though I know I should be happy, I find little to no joy in doing any of these things because I constantly remind myself that I'm not there yet. I have not reached my goal.

This is my current struggle. I haven't really taken the time to examine why I do this to myself but I do know the advice I would offer to someone,  other than myself, going through this: BE PROUD OF YOURSELF! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? You have accomplished something amazing and every day that you continue on, is a day you can be proud of...right?

So why do I still feel like it's not enough? Perhaps it's the Type A personality in me that refuses to celebrate until the job is done. I've always been that way - if I start a project, I won't stop until it's done. Like, literally won't eat or sleep or even pee until I'm finished.  I know how foolish that is but that's how I am. I want to finish the work before I can let myself relax.

In closing,  I've sort of half-assed my congratulations to myself for every milestone I reach. Write some sort of Facebook post letting everyone know how I'm doing and how "proud" I am of myself - but I'm pretty muted in the whole inner feelings of pride thing. This is something I'm working on.

P.S. I looked up what weighs 44 lbs and coincidentally Moose Antlers came up. I think I'll celebrate - isn't hunting season just around the corner? :) Until Next time....