Be Still.

For as long as I can remember,  I've been deeply concerned with making sure I matter to people. I'm not sure where it comes from, but I have always had this deep need to be needed. To know I matter. To be loved.

Because of this innate need, I'm always moving.  Looking ahead at my future and constantly picking it apart. Trying to plan and prepare myself for any sort of trip - up there may be. 

....I am not a dumb person. I know it's crazy to think I have control over what happens in my life, and I drive myself crazy with all the what - ifs and the constant questioning of every decision I make. I am repeatedly told that I'm working too much, doing too much,  am too hard on myself....that if I keep going at the pace I am, I'm going to put myself in an early grave. But I do it anyway.

Why?

If I were to die tomorrow,  my deepest regret would not be that I didn't become the doctor I want to be. No. I doubt that would even cross my mind.

My deepest regret would be not allowing myself the time to just be.
I've been running around from job to job since I graduated high school, working my butt off, turning down invitations to friends weddings and the birth of their babies, not seeing my family, who I miss so much, for years at a time....and for what? What was it all for?

I am 26 years old and my heart aches at the life I have lived until now. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I am not sharing this with you to make you feel sorry for me. In fact, quite the opposite.  I am so grateful that I woke up...finally....and perhaps in time to turn things around. Life is such a precious gift and I'd very much like to get started with mine.

These posts are supposed to be chronicling my weight loss journey but as I've said before - this is so much more than a physical journey for me. It's making me take a look and examine myself deeper than I ever have before and that scared girl I've been for so long is swiftly becoming a vague memory.

I want to make time for the people I care about.  And I will. And this time, I mean it. I am going to take care of myself from now on...and by that I don't just mean my body. My heart and soul have taken quite a beating and the kicker is, it has been by my own fists.

As much as I regret this, I look ahead to the future with high hopes for myself.

17 weeks behind me, 65 pounds lighter and a new found hope and zest for life... I can't wait to be the best me I can be. 

So I won't wait anymore.

Until next time...