Big Booty Judy

Dear Big Booty Judy (a.k.a. my backside)

You were a pain in the ass. Too big to fit into certain chairs at restaurants; I once had to ask my whole group to move somewhere else because I couldn't get you to fit.
I brushed it off and joked about you while out to dinner, about not being able to fit into a certain section while my friends stared confused and momentarily saddened until I shrugged it off and blamed you, Judy. We all laughed, I died a little inside, we moved on. Big Booty Judy, You made it impossible for me to squeeze into an airplane seat for last summer's almost trip to Chicago. I didn't get to see Patch Adams because of you. You're such a selfish ass. And peeing in small bathroom stalls? (In my best Barbara Streisand voice) Forget about it! I had to take the arms off of my office chair because you're so needy that a regular size one wasn't going to cut it. And let's not forget about all the times we had to give furniture the eye. Up and down. Side to side. Sizing it up to make sure you would fit. I had to call out to friends, "You swear Judy won't break that? Don't make me buy you a new one if it happens! I asked and warned you!" And then you became so abusive. Do you know how many times I've caught you knocking little kids over? Or nearly crushing little dogs? Sheesh! Contain yourself! I tried restraining you, I tried strapping you down with Spanx to teach you a lesson but it didn't seem to get through to you that things needed to change.

Goodbye, Big Booty Judy. May I never have to deal with your crap again.